I have a perfect illustration of this, and I will probably make my own thread about it in What The Lord Has Done For You. At first I agreed with Miki, that depression can overcome someone into darkness and keep them from the light, only if they let the darkness control them that way. I have battled depression my whole life as well, and even though it has seemingly kept me humble and made my faith strong now that I can step out of it, I know too many people who cannot escape it and it ruins their lives and their relationships. I was wondering what you other guys were talking about, especially because I repect all of you, I just couldn't see why there was a disagreement. We should shun that darkness that tells us that we're not good enough.

And then. Yesterday was not a good day for me. Bare with me, this might be long. Classes just started Wednesday and I was going nonstop for three days without much sleep. Last night I planned to go to my friend's birthday party, though it was at a bar and me and my boyfriend chose to stop drinking alcohol a few weeks ago and I have had problems with alcohol in the past. So I wanted to see this good friend that I hadn't seen in awhile but I was definately not thrilled that it was at a bar, I didn't want to even think about having even one drink, but still I wondered if I could drink a bit. But because I was so exhausted, while watching a basketball game (my boyfriend is a big sports fan) I laid on the couch and started to get tired. Then when his roommate's friend (a cute freshman ready to party) came in and the game finished, so we went into my boyfriend's room to find a movie to watch. We didn't find anything and I was getting too tired to care, so I rested while he watched tv. I started getting a bit depressed because his other roommate showed up as well with a few more people and it sounded like they were having a lot of fun. And yes they were drinking.

They had recently gotten the game Guitar Hero and my boyfriend is an excellent guitar player, and they all loved the game. So I started telling my boyfriend that he should go out and be with them, I would rest in here. I tried to act like nothing was wrong and that I was just tired, but I'm not a good actress. Because I didn't know exactly what was wrong and I wasn't really THAT tired, when he asked what was wrong, I said nothing and told him I didn't want him to have to be in bed with me if he wanted to stay up longer. So he eventually left to talk to his roommates and play that game. Meanwhile I tried to sleep but just ended up hearing them because it's so loud outside his door and I started to get into a weird depression. It wasn't like my others when I just hated myself, but I just felt bad inside and I started to wonder why I was feeling this way, and I wondered if I should get up and be social with them. I couldn't even sleep because my mind was just racing and I was just feeling worse and worse and I, haha, remembered this thread and told myself to resist but I still didn't know exactly what was going on. Like I said, it wasn't like my normal depressions, but I just felt bad and I made myself feel worse because I wondered why I was feeling bad and why I couldn't stop it. I can't explain this very well, but I hope you understand.

I didn't even notice when my boyfriend came back to bed, I must have finally fallen asleep for a bit. He had told me he would be back in a minute when he intially left so of course I was a little hurt and wasn't too happy that there were pretty, outgoing girls outside with him, though I know I never have to worry about that with him, but it still hurt because I had a big problem with this with my last serious boyfriend. I was obviously upset but again I just told him I was tired. So we tried to sleep but they were SO loud. I was used to it but because he was out there with them earlier, he was not. We eventually turned on the tv to maybe drown them out but it didn't work. He suggested we just goto my house but I said it would be fine when they left to the bar. Finally they did leave and we might have slept for a little bit but I think they woke us up when they came back.

Ok this part is graphic, but important. This night had seemed so long but I had no idea what time it was because I knew I had went to bed early. So we were hearing noise of people moving around, above us as well, because the walls are very thin. And then. I started hearing moaning. I'm sorry this is graphic, but it goes with the story, trust me. In my positive mind, I told myself that it wasn't what I automatically thought it was and that we wouldn't hear it much longer. I went to the bathroom and came back to see my boyfriend sitting up in the bed saying that he wanted to leave. The moaning was very loud and it was very obvious what was going on and that it was his roommate next door. Now this was very disgusting, obviously, especially for us because we have never had sexual intercourse together, we decided when we first started dating that we wanted to wait until we were married, we both thought of it as a scaredly intimate activity. He just kept saying I'm sorry as we quickly put on our warm clothes and we left. He even asked if I now knew why they liked these girls. Earlier, I forgot to say, when he came back and we couldn't sleep because they were so loud, I told him that I hoped he didn't like those kind of girls, because I was not like that, a little hurt that I wasn't honestly. He said, of course not, I like girls like you, or something like that. We both kind of laughed at them when I said I didn't think the first girl (who was obviously flirting with one of his roommates) has stopped talking and hadn't said anything insightful since she got here. I just thought they had desperate written on their foreheads. I was not being judgemental, that's how they were. And unfortunately I was like that last year, but by God's grace, it disgusts me now.

So we left and it had gotten very cold yesterday and there was black ice on the road in the parking lot, we were literally skating to his car. Since we were going to my apartment, I should have driven my car there but I had my contacts out and it's automatic and would be terrible on ice. There was a thick layer of ice on his windshield because he hadn't driven it all day. All he had was a knife to try to scrape off the ice, and it didn't work at all. I said I would go back across the large parking lot to get my ice scraper. It didn't do much either. We sat in the car with the heat on high to try and defrost the ice on the windshield. He thought about just going back but we obviously didn't want to and probably wouldn't get back to sleep very well in the state we were in, which was very upset. We sadly laughed, wondering what we were doing. It was 4:00 in the morning, I had no idea. He then said, Jesus said it wouldn't be easy. We finally got enough ice off the windshield, but the side windows were too bad that we had to roll them down as we drove. We drove very slow to my apt, but thankfully I live pretty close. I quickly turned the heat on high and was thankful that I didn't hear any of my neighbors awake.

We had trouble falling asleep and I prayed desperately that he would be able to sleep well because he had to work early in the morning, all day. We ended up talking for a bit, of course he couldn't stop saying I'm sorry all night. He was upset that his roommates didn't have any respect for others. They are spoiled by their parents and get everything they want. They don't need jobs to pay for anything so that's why they party every weekend. Yet he has to live at this expensive apt complex with them because they are good friends from high school and he wants to live with them, yet he has to pay his own way through. And he also told me that he couldn't sleep because he was worried about finding a job. He is about to graduate college and his grades aren't very well because he transfered and those grades didn't count and he's only taken hard classes here. He asked why I couldn't sleep and I wasn't sure why but my mind was still very active, still wondered what exactly had happened that night. After that we tried to sleep again and I prayed for him and we stayed close.

SO my point being that this depression WAS different than before, maybe it was God given instead of by Satan, I'm not sure, but it seemed to keep me away from that mess and it brought me and my boyfriend closer together, and it got me back to praying, something that I had not done much that day. SO, that sort of "depression" was used to serve a greater purpose than to keep me in a depressed state. I can now see what Humble Bob and the others were talking about. Or, that's how I see it anyways Thanks for reading!!