I'm not a very confrontational person at all and usually try and avoid arguements... I get stunned when people say nasty things because usually I don't expect it and I am feeling so depressed with a close friend who is always criticising. I tend to dwell on what she says and it hurts but I just don't know whether to make a fuss and tell her to stop it... I'm guessing this might be about boundaries but I just don't really know how to set them or where to start. I am pretty sick of feeling like a doormat and I know I shouldn't let someone criticise all the time and take out all their frustration on me, but it just feels wrong to "tell them where to go".
I guess I am just looking for some advice, it would be pretty difficult to just avoid this person and really I would like to get things dealt with, and have the relationship working.
Is there a scriptural way of dealing with this, I just feel like I am going round in circles. I feel like my thoughtlife is just loosing peace and that I'm obsessing a bit because I need to vent, but if I do that I'm scared I will just blow up and say things aggressively because it's all building up.

Thanks x
That feels a bit better already.

My suggestion would be...hold up a mirror to them. Use their same words in reply and do it with a smile. If they are a "friend" then they will see what they have done and if not.....then you will know who they truly are.

Hi Shine,
Scripturally we are told this:

Romans 12:17-21
Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

So if you friend is saying nasty things, it would be wrong to return the same behaviour, that does not make for a very good example. Just walk up and hug her or reach and and say, something like you know, "You know you may not realise this, but I love you". Perhaps this is why your friend say's nasty things, it could be a cry for love and help? No one knows better than you since you know the person in close proximity.

Blessings!

There are many times someone, even a friend, is unaware of how their attitude...which can be bossy, overbearing, critical and domineering, affects others. You can hug them but then must ask yourself....did they learn anything?

You can hold it in and then explode....I have done that. Or you can gently show them, with a smile an example of what they are doing. That way....they either learn and apologize or show that they don't want to learn. You see if that person is worth being your friend...or not and you don't have to apologize for your own ugly behavior. You lead by example and you have three choices. 1. Continue to allow them to be domineering. 2. Explode and lose your temper. 3. See if the other one is willing to see how their attitude is seen by others by gently placing their very own remarks in front of them to deal with themselves.

I vote for #3 as I have tried the first two and they don't work. If you follow # 3 then you certainly aren't being evil, you are not avenging yourself, or being wrathful to another. You are feeding the other out of their own dish that was served to you. Share it in love.

You are bold, you do not shrink back !


And as the following scripture states, " . . . with much contention . . ."

What you will need to always know, contention has its roots from eternity.


And it will not stop upon this heaven or earth.

Go read the 11 times, in KJV, the reference to BOLD.


And we all like people to agree, however, it is not always reality. So you must adjust
your spiritual DATA MEMORY chip, to include the well rounded lesson's of boldness,
and not shrinking back on your mission.


Once, your friend really understands you are firm ( not wishie-washie ) you can both agree
to not agree on certain subjects.

If that friend does not want to respect the agreement. Then you will be required to let go
let God [IHVH].


And this may be a walking away. Not out of hate, out of love.


Sometimes TIME-OUT, is a good resprite between friends/family/employees/etc.






http://www.blueletterbible.org/search/tran...=bold&t=KJV

(bold)
occurs 11 times in 9 verses in the KJV
Page 1 / 1 (Pro 28:1 - Phm 1:8)

1Th 2:2 But even after that we had suffered before, and were shamefully entreated, as ye know, at Philippi, we were bold in our God to speak unto you the gospel of God with much contention.



This is why the Prayer Cloth, blog has the following mission statement :

http://daughtersofgodprayerclothmission.bl...-statement.html


http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?searc...amp;version=49;

Hebrews 10

35Therefore, do not throw away your (BV)confidence, which has a great (BW)reward.
36For you have need of (BX)endurance, so that when you have (BY)done the will of God, you may (BZ)receive what was promised.
37(CA)FOR YET IN A VERY LITTLE WHILE,
(CB)HE WHO IS COMING WILL COME, AND WILL NOT DELAY.
38(CC)BUT MY RIGHTEOUS ONE SHALL LIVE BY FAITH;
AND IF HE SHRINKS BACK, MY SOUL HAS NO PLEASURE IN HIM.

39But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul.

I have the same problem has Shine4Him. For me hugging is out of the question. So is there is other way other than hugging?. In our society hugging a male to male bring bad meaning and same goes to male hugging a female but no one points a finger when a female hugs another female. I sometime feel like iam an alien from other planet and a stranger in this world.

We are White Knight....we are God's "peculiar people."

1 Peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a PECULIAR PEOPLE, that ye should shew forth the praises of Him Who hath called you out of darkness into His marvellous light:

True friends must always be open with each other... and be willing to teach and be taught about how the way they act affects the other.

True friends are willing to confront a problem in its infancy stage, before it has the chance to destroy said friendship.

True friends know each others faults and frailties and work to keep the lines of communication open.... always!

Judi... I agree with you. We must never be overbearing or harsh. As you say...it's all about love! Reacting effectively, out of love, is not evil!

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
-Ephesians 4:2-3

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am feeling quite frustrated as I have tried to tell the truth in love a few time and it seems to fall on death ears. My friend suffers a lot from depression but sometimes it's as if I am walking on egg shells and perhaps I need to be more blunt.

WhiteKnight, I think a big manly thump on the back might be in order. Just don't wind the person

+Shine4Him+


Sometimes, sister, the bold truth, is required.

And boldness, does not lack a heart of love.

Remember, to walk in integrity. And as Lois Faith posted, be no longer a footman (speaking
of Jeremiah) . . . ride with the horses.



I know you will walk on egg shells, until you are 100% for sure, what the Holy Ghost
wants you to do.
That is my gut feeling.


I love you,

Keep in mind Deut. 29:29



Love,

C7A

Hi Shine,
I believe it is right to speak the truth in love. Although we are called not to render insult for insult, it's not wrong to speak plainly concerning another's words or actions. Sometimes by placing the focus upon how these words affect US, rather than pointedly drawing attention directly to the person can help too. ie- "the words you use, such as "dummy" or "stupid", make ME feel like I'M worthless." (in this way, you are not condemning the person, but are explicitly expressing exactly what is causing YOU what). I hope that makes sense. You are not coming out and saying...."you know what, I'm sick and tired of you accusing me of being worthless, stupid and a dummy!....blah, blah, blah!", LOL. There is a difference. It's less confrontational, yet does address the issue directly.

It's entirely up to you how far you decide to go with this relationship. I've heard it said many times over..."don't be anybody's doormat", etc. And the opposite to that is "overlook it all and simply love".
You're not being a doormat if YOU decide to remain friends even though you are aware that they most likely will continue to behave in this manner. The apostle Paul was warned by God that by going to Jerusalem, he would encounter a fate of martyrdom. But in other scriptures we read about confronting those who have sinned against us...and if they do not repent we are to take it before the church. I think it totally depends upon where God is guiding your heart in the matter. Either choosing to remain aloof from the friendship (in the hopes that this person will recognize their need for repentance), or choosing to remain in contact (yet with the complete understanding that they could potentially hurt you)....it all depends upon the unique circumstance, IMHO.

Many people are being oppressed or possessed by an unclean spirit of contol/domination (which is a spirit of witchcraft). You cannot submit to that type of unclean spirit in an effort to provide a godly witness. ...that is unless of course you must work on a job with this individual, then the parameters are different. My own personal experience is that no matter what you do, this type of spirit will find a way to condemn or belittle you to the point of forcing you to go along with their ideals or their advice/suggestions...and when you walk by your godly conscience, an ultimatum will eventually occur, thereby cutting off the friendship when you show them you are not under their control.

hope that helps some,
God bless you,
Kim

Have you ever tried to just ask to speak to them, in a calm way?
Mutual forgiveness has many benefits.

You answered your own question... you need to be frank with your friend in a firm and loving fashion. Merely tell them, "Look, if you truly value our friendship and would desire to continue to be friends, then I would greatly appreciate if you would no longer verbally demean me in any way. It’s not healthy but rather injurious to our relationship. If you cannot do this and honor my personhood as a caring and loving friend, then our friendship will be in grave jeopardy. The decision is entirely yours. I pray and hope you will make the right choice."

Blessings...

7

And....I believe we have a winner !

Yes... Honesty is always the best policy!

Hiya
Thanks for the replies.

Heb 4:12-13 NKJV
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword ,
piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow,
and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TO FORGE AND TEMPER BLUE STEEL
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I heard the Lord say that He had “tempered” me. Immediately I thought of a sword but did not know what it meant to be tempered. Then I watched the series, “How It’s Made” and they were making cutlery knives and they mentioned the word, “tempered” so I realized the Lord was drawing my attention to the process He is bringing His people through.



Isa 54:16-17 NKJV
"Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy. No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me," Says the LORD.



TO FORGE AND TEMPER BLUE STEEL

Forge – Quench – Temper – Grind



{The following is from research I gathered on the internet.}



Steel is made from the natural element iron, plus a small amount of carbon added to it. The two are heated to melt them together and the impurities are removed.



Historically, blacksmith’s “Forged” hot metals through hammering them on an anvil. The metal was pounded and shaped then reheated with the same process until formed. The pounding was not just for shaping, it was to flatten, compress and diffuse the carbon so that the steel was much harder and stronger. Nowadays they forge metals with presses and rollers under extreme pressure.



Finally the metal is “Quenched” in a water bath. This cools the metal and stops the breakdown process from the heat. This plunge leaves the metal very hard but brittle and stressed. So the metal must be reheated again to alleviate the stress so it wont crack when used.



This last reheating step is called “Tempering” where the steel is heated to the right temperature for its ultimate use, whether more towards a hard unbending nature or a hard but flexible one. Tempering temperatures range from 100 degrees to 1000 degrees, changing the metal colors from clear, yellow, orange, brown, purples, blues, grey, then red. Most tempering is between 300-650 degrees F depending upon the use of the steel. Clear is totally hardened, yellow is a tad less hard, blue steel is more flexible and grey steel is the softest and most bendable.



When making a sword or knife, the steel is not forged thin, rather the edge is pressed thick until after it is tempered. After the tempering, the blade is then ground down to make it sharp.



WORD TO PONDER: THE BLACKSMITH BRINGS FORTH HIS INSTRUMENT 7/25/08

When I created you as My instrument I heated the fires in your life and melted My Word and Spirit into your nature and drew out the impurities of your soul. It was a perfect blend of warfare where your faith stood that I AM a Good God and I bring all things in your life together for good. This made your faith strong and your soul repentant.



In the fullness of time I drew you out of the fiery kiln and while you were still yet soft, tender and repentant from the fire, My Word came down upon you and shaped you through pressure into a flattened, humble place where you learned to lay low before My hand. Yes you suffered from the blows of men and disappointments but you passed the test and yielded all back to Me.



When you were perfectly aligned with My Word I plunged you into the refreshing drink and bath of My Spirit to cool you down and set you. This was a time of settling, confirming, establishing your destiny: the mold, shape, calling, gifts and how you are to function. You became strongly confirmed in this process, but ultimately the cracks in your faith from past blows would have ultimately broken had you not become tempered through one more fire.



Once again I put you through a heating process to melt your cracked and brittle places and form you to be more flexible to My call upon your life. Now I have pulled you from the heat and you are My finely prepared, very hard instrument that will not yield to the enemy. Now you are also able to bend to needs when you hear My voice knocking.



I will bring you through a final stage to sharpen your skills and gifts and allow you to see the fruit of being My sharp threshing instrument with the piercing of My Word into the hearts of mankind. You shall refute every spoken word that is against My good purposes for your life and others. Courageous ones, lives will change because you went through the process. Yes the fires are hot, but I do My perfect work in your life.



Isa 54:16-17 NKJV

"Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy. No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me, "Says the LORD.



Jer 23:28-29 NKJV

"The prophet who has a dream, let him tell a dream; And he who has My word, let him speak My word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat?" says the LORD. "Is not My word like a fire?" says the LORD, "And like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?



Heb 4:12-13 NKJV
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword , piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Note: I'm soOOO sorry! I posted this in the wrong place. However, we are walking in the spirit where there is no 'right or wrong'..... loey

That's OK Lois, I actually thought it was very relevant! Especially the bit about condemning every tongue which rises against you in judgement!
I will do that (in love) and learn from this situation!
Thanks x

Now...shine I didnt have all that much time to read every thing posted her, so this might have been covered. But I just wanted to put down the one big thing I learned, and I am still butting into practice, even as late as today. I found that I just need to stop carrying what others think and feel about me, what i say, or what I do. If they Say anything, I have got to get to that point that Christ and what he would say is much more important than anything that might come out of their mouths! I am sorry for any struggles you might be having. It is so hard to go through. I dont like others trying to take me into their hands and force me to do what they want from me...that is only Jesus's job, not any other mans.
I have at one point worked myself up in anger over something that didnt happen, only to than turn and have my joy stolen from me by another that thought they could take charge of me.
I am angery just a bit right now about it, and wished I would have been big enought to put my foot down, but I let it go because I was made to look like I was the one in the wrong. I hated that twisting, and not having the support there to back me up!

I have a lot to deal with, but find one big things is, stay consistant, in the way you would rather react, not the way they are trying to get you to react. Having the good drawen out of you, not that bad by those that are small.

I dont know if that helps, but I will keep you in prayer tomarrow about it...G-d know just how things should go, for our good. I know that he has let these kinds of things happen, for I am being sharpend, and molded into a more strong and stable person. I just get that old feeling that a good kicking of the but would feel good about now...I will not to repent later! ....maybe now....

anyways...my heart is with you on this one...praying...

Hugs!

Thanks Peacemaker!

I thought I should write a reply, incase others have similar problems - I recently bought a book called "Boundaries" from our Christian bookstore.... it explains why I don't like confronting and why my friend is acting this way...and gives advice on how to avoid getting into this kind of problem. When I read about not shrinking back, I was reminded of Betty's post about picket fences and lines of demarcation. (I had to stiffle a giggle each time I read about fences as the pic of the picket fence would jump into my mind). I have been distancing myself and been working on other relationships; the book has helped me see my friend in love, but also realise that I need to make changes in how I deal with things, which will help us both and still be God honouring.

Thanks all for your kind responses, I am so grateful to have you x