We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
This was written by a man to give other men a good laugh...
And for women to give them a bigger laugh!

The Man Rules


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports--It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. !
We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or Golf.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Haw Haw haw Freindly!

21. You have too many shoes.

LOL!!!! It's TRUE !!! Yikes

Hillarious!

P.S. I sleep on a couch, actually it's a really cool futon.

I sleep on a coach...that was until my wife said "There is a bus going downtown in 10 minutes...be under it."

LOL Maz! ---- > Bada Bing, Bada Boom! But seriously folks....

who has been in my closet? i saw 3 pairs of my favorite shoes!

Coming to think about it, that is correct. Woman NEVER leave the toilet seat UP for us guys and we never complain about it !!

I agree,.do not live your life with subtitles

So true! We are an uncomplaining lot, us men!

Hey now...I always leave it up for my husband (and the monkeyboys) at night so I don't, ahem...sit on something that was forgotten during the wee hours of the night.

oh yes, the wee wee hours of the night.

Thankfully, we have two bathrooms so we each kind of gravitated to calling one our very own.

Annie....is that you?

No. Just some resemblance. You never know who you may find in Photobucket...

23. Oprah makes us ill. Dr. Phil makes us nauseous.

24. Male greetings follow an instinctual form. Some low grunting, a little hard hitting of the shoulders maybe, and sometimes an uncomfortable hand-shake if we don't know the other person too well. Only extremely rarely, and almost never in public, will we actually hug - even then, we will almost certainly feel unclean for a short time afterward.

25. Men don't get up to go to the bathroom together. Even in dire cases, one will grit his teeth and wait a few minutes before following.

26. Men read "Sports Illustrated", not "People" or "Better Homes and Gardens".

27. Oh, and ladies, do your absolute uttermost to never beat us in arm-wrestling. Our egos could not take such a loss.

28. What's a "loofah"?

29. Contrary to popular misconception, men have periods, too. For example, the "egocentric period" generally lasts from young adolescent-hood until we begin losing our memories.

30. We do not identify at all with Hillary Clinton.

31. Seriously, what's a "loofah"?

32. If you really want to win the heart of your man, pretend his gray Prius is a white stallion, his briefcase is a sword, and his pocket-protector is shining armor. Swoon when he pulls in the driveway.

HA! This is too funny Godsword! LOLLLLOLOL!! ( #24 is a killer! )

I consider myself enlightened even more now!

Oh - and a "loofah" is a very non user friendly back-scratcher thing-a-ma-jig, I think...
Just add water and POOF! LOOFAH!

zeetz

zeetz,

QUOTE

HA! This is too funny Godsword! LOLLLLOLOL!! ( #24 is a killer! )

I consider myself enlightened even more now!

Thank you, and you're welcome. I've got plenty more where those came from, I think. All very profound and informative, of course. Perhaps I should start an advice column. (Hmmmmmmm.)

27. Oh, and ladies, do your absolute uttermost to never beat us in arm-wrestling. Our egos could not take such a loss.

This statement appears to be very true, Godsword. I beat a guy in arm-wrestling at the office once. He was about 15 years older than I was. I eagerly took him on... at his request, as I was lifting weights at the time and felt pretty confident... and couln't refuse. It was during lunch break, and all our co-workers watched. After we struggled about 15 minutes or so, I took down his arm. I must admit, that he was never quite as freindly toward me as he was before my victory.

Here Am I,


I knew it. I knew #27 was for someone in particular here. (Actually, I didn't, but I like pretending.) You'd never beat me in arm-wrestling, though.

(In all seriousness, I don't think I've been beaten in arm-wrestling for 15-20 years, give or take 10. For example, in 2005 I was working on a framing crew, and happened to be working with a Mexican who barely spoke English, and who had been a national [Mexico] champion high school weight-lifter a number of years prior [or so his companion said]. He challenged me to an arm-wrestling contest, and I beat him with both left and right arms [one at a time]. [Anyway, just a little friendly pet competitive side to me....Grrrrrrrr. ])

I concede!

Got a couple to add:

33. When we say, "Not tonight. I have a headache." Unlike when you say it; we are actually telling the truth.

34. Yes you are attractive. No I'm not cheating on you. No you are not fatter. I really have a headache.

35. You didn't see me take any Tylenol? Maybe it's because you took them all when you had your "visiter", and forgot to get more at the store.

We men do have a lot to deal with at times.

We aim to please.....you aim too please....

There's some funny light hearted stuff in the first post but also some

and in this post that many seem to relate to, I ask the question..

Who are these people anyway??




I'm glad l don't know them.. I know they're out there...It's like some looming nightmare of social interaction that one day you will be forced to face.. (And that's something to chuckle about). These silly kind of things we make light of go back to some of what vacant voice was posting on romace.

Good grief.... People are so hung up with themselves...

But l have one to add to the list.

If your spouse won't look you in eye and refuses to talk.

Back Off Buddy!

This causes so many problems in marriage. Each person tries to pry their way into anothers mind and possess every thought..

Let each have their own space... and time and forgivness will work a thing out.

Most marriges are hard. If your committed to your vows God will use the marrigae to mold you. Sorry to go serious on you but l was still dealing with another string.

And by the way...If you have back problems the couch is great in that regards because the firm outer edge supports the spine. But only mature relationships can allow the spouse to retreat to the couch.

I find many marriages where folks are so tuned into each other that they already are thinking the same thing. That happens with me and my wife all the time. It is usually just everyday stuff...like what to make for supper...both have the same idea...or perhaps a thought about what to do together on a day off...there has been an occasion or two where my wife has some specific of life that she wanted to see change and she has prayed "behind my back" and I would be the very one to suggest, "Let's do thus and so" and then find out she had been asking the Lord to change me...ha! I have also seen several cases over the years where married couples even begin to look alike....about 4 decades plus...

Pardon me, I have a bus to be under in ten minutes....

Sorry if I offended people. I was just trying to make people laugh.

Don't be offended as nothing was aimed at you. It just generic.

I turned this into a word doc for future and it is so well stated and wise...accolades for factual truth....

Maz...

אני לדודי ועלי תשוקתו
I am my beloved's, and he longs for me. Song of Solomon 7:1


אני לדודי ודודי לי הרעה בשושנים׃
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. He is the one who grazes his flock among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3

Thank you for that Vacant! I Love the Song of Solomon...so beautiful!

The Creator of Real Love and Real Romance is ... Jesus





there must be vacant space for love to fill

ROFL.....(clearing throat)...hopefully it will be filled by your OWN spouse.

Miki....I liked what you had to say.

Bitterness and Forgiveness







Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."
-William Congreve


This is the word that Jehovah hath spoken concerning him: The virgin daughter of Zion hath despised thee and laughed thee to scorn ... 2 Kings 19:21


Drive out a mocker, and conflict will leave. Quarreling and abuse will stop.
Proverbs 22:10


First of all you must understand this: In the last days mockers will come and, following their own desires, will ridicule us. 2 Peter 3:3






Bitterness and Forgiveness stand in stark contrast to one another. One can destroy a marriage; the other can restore a marriage. Our intention is that you will find the help to deal with any bitterness so that you can experience…and give forgiveness.


Stickies [?]
Quotes on "Bitterness and Forgiveness"
"Bitterness and Forgiveness" Testimonies
"Bitterness and Forgiveness" Links and Resource Descriptions
Articles

• WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T FORGIVE?
• Self-Forgiveness After Being Sexually Abused
• The Consequences Of Bitterness
• Freedom From Resentment
• Forgiveness And Releasing Anger
• DESPITE BEING HURT: Gaining A Positive Attitude
• Forgiveness In Marriage
• Forgiveness After Betrayal
• How Does One Forgive Infidelity?
• Don't Let Bitterness Poison Your Marriage
• The Faces Of Forgiveness
• The Many Barriers To Forgiveness
• Are There Times When We Shouldn't Forgive?
• What If The Other Person Won't Forgive You?

אני לדודי ועלי תשוקתו
I am my beloved's, and he longs for me. Song of Solomon 7:1


אני לדודי ודודי לי הרעה בשושנים׃
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. He is the one who grazes his flock among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3





3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

Titus 2:3-5


6 Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; 7 in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, 8 sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.

Titus 2:6-8



a wonderful, beautiful site
http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/b...nd-forgiveness/

Voice....

Honestly....I don't harbor unforgiveness toward you. But when you want to threaten me.....I will make that known.

You hide anonymously....for a good reason.

36. We don't care if our behinds look big. (Actually, we do, but we refuse to admit it.)

37. We are proud of the hair on our legs.

38. Toilet seat up or down - it doesn't matter, as our aim is good.

39. We win arguments by acknowledging defeat.

40. We fantasize about rescuing damsels from dragons, but we don't even take on the IRS.

41. * "There's almost no such thing as a female atheist." (Courtesy of "Neal" from "Christian-Forum.net".)


( * - Pending approval by the women here.)

It seems that you have been your own threat and worst enemy in life.

false slander noted - (clinically, 'paranoia' and 'projection')

Paranoia

People with paranoid feelings have a constant suspicion, without justification, others around them have sinister motives and cannot be trusted. They tend to have too much trust in their own knowledge and abilities.

Suffering from paranoid feelings, they almost always try to avoid close and friendly relationships with others. They are usually reluctant to talk about their secrets with others because of an unwarranted fear the secrets they tell others about themselves will be quickly used against them. They search for every hidden meaning in others' words and actions, reading hostile intentions into them. People with paranoia are quick to challenge the loyalties of family and friends, appearing distant and cold to them, and taking blame out on them. Grudges are carried for a long time.


With paranoid feelings, people suspect everyone around is exploiting, setting out to harm them, or lying to them. When others talk to them, they imagine they are putting them down, and keeping secrets from them. They assume all the supposed attacks on their reputation or character are intentional, and they become very abusive to others, quick to act very angry or even counterattack.


http://www.edu.pe.ca/southernkings/emotionsparanoia.htm


Projection

When a person has uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, they may project these onto other people, assigning the thoughts or feelings that they need to repress to a convenient alternative target.

Projection may also happen to obliterate attributes of other people with which we are uncomfortable. We assume that they are like us, and in doing so we allow ourselves to ignore those attributes they have with which we are uncomfortable.

• Neurotic projection is perceiving others as operating in ways one unconsciously finds objectionable in yourself.
• Complementary projection is assuming that others do, think and feel in the same way as you.
• Complimentary projection is assuming that others can do things as well as you.

Projection also appears where we see our own traits in other people, as in the false consensus effect. Thus we see our friends as being more like us than they really are.



Example - I do not like another person. But I have a value that says I should like everyone. So I project onto them that they do not like me. This allows me to avoid them and also to handle my own feelings of dislike.

An unfaithful husband suspects his wife of infidelity.

A woman who is attracted to a fellow worker accuses the person of sexual advances.


Projecting thoughts or emotions onto others allows the person to consider them and how dysfunctional they are, but without feeling the attendant discomfort of knowing that these thoughts and emotions are their own. We can thus criticize the other person, distancing ourselves from our own dysfunction.

http://changingminds.org/explanations/beha.../projection.htm

For as one thinks in their heart, so is that person:
Proverbs 23:7

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

Well then Sweety....

YOU are "projecting" all the time. And your slander is also an issue. You call people names all the time....in particular, "Anti-semetic".

I have looked the other way concerning you. Even backing what you said up and justifying it to others because I didn't want to accept the truth. I was your trained Parrot.

Even when you abused me via e-mails and pm's.....I always apologized for whatever I did that was wrong. And NEVER getting an apology from you for the very mean things you sent to me.

I actually feel very sorry for you. But I'm tired of being the one you abuse. I don't have time for Players in my life. I want honesty. And I'm finding that its very hard to find.

Godsword: LOL!! Thanks for the continuing Lighthearted contribution

This is the "Just for Fun " area isn't it? ...

#41 approved

...and everything else? All I can say is: Dang...

zeetz

zeetz,


You're welcome. (And, that's partly why I made another contribution - to alleviate all the strife somewhat, maybe, hopefully, prayerfully.)

And I agree with you on the "Dang" observation. I mean, really, this is such a nice and informative thread, why can't arguments about extraneous matters be taken elsewhere, perhaps even to "private"?

42. We don't love Barry Manilow, or his songs.

Re-reading the original page, I got curious to know just how many pairs of shoes I have. Here's the list:

• Work-boots (1 halfway worn-out pair)
• Dress shoes (1 almost-never worn pair)
• Exercise/Tennis shoes (1 permanently odorized pair)
• Spare work-boots (2 pair - one for work, one for painting and working in mud)

So, I own 5 pairs of shoes/boots, two pair of which are "spares". I hope I don't own more pairs of shoes/boots than a man should.

false/slanderous-noted

A double-minded person is unstable in all their ways.
James 1:8

vacant, and Chloe,


I haven't followed your conversation closely (hardly at all, actually, as there is almost always some side issues which are not apparent). May I ask the two of you, politely, to continue your conversation in private, so that I can awe others here with my humour regarding myself and other men without distraction?

GW...

That is understandable. And I agree.

Here is some that are pertaining to this thread....

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:
"I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated:
"That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:
"Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated:
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:
"What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:
"Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:
"No one will ever see us alive again."

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).


Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.


Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

Chloe! LOL! These last 2 posts of yours are GREAT!

So funny - thank you so much!

I'd had a lot of laughter tonite between all the great lighter threads I've seen, and I needed it...

Your last two here made my day!



zeetz





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Goodmornin Zeetz!

Yes....I had a fun time last night with you guys too. I had a good time laughing...and I needed it too.

Well I'm off to work.

Have a great day!