[cizz]

For those of you that know me, the Lord has allowed me to be goaded for months...actually, more like a couple of years now, into this gap were there are flames in front and behind me...I'm sweating this one! I'm goina' choose the devouring flame and go forward. You know that flame that is behind only burns and the land back there is desolate...I don't think I want those 3rd degree burns and then be stuck were the is little to no water, and what water is there is 'of little use and its toxic'

I have been walking, running and pushed at times toward and into what I can only refer to as 'my sister's garden'...so let me start by telling you about my first sister...

I have one biological sister, she took care of me until I was seven when she left home...I was on my own then with trying to figure out how to survive everyday. I think I've spoken before on how my family was back then, my parents were a little pre-ocuppied and too busy for the kids they had, but we were expected to not get our parents in trouble or talked about...so, beatens and fear of these almighty gods called parents were instilled into our brains...

When my sister left me, she was only 15 but she was a wonderful mother even at that age. I cried so hard and begged her not to leave me. I reminded her of how afraid of the dark I was and how afraid I was to go to sleep at night without her with me, who's going to bath me and feed me? who's going to help me get dressed in the mornings? what if I get sick?...I tried everything and said everything, she would carry stuff out the door to her new husband's car, turn around and go back to get more...we would pass in the hall, I was carrying that stuff back in as fast as they could carry it out!

Before she left she gave me the picture of 'the guardian angel', it was the only picture that hung on our bedroom walls...it was a wooden plaque made from a tree trunk...she told me to remember to say my prayers every night and kissed my head. She also told me that when I was afraid I should talk to God and He would stay with me and protect me. I believed her, so I started talking to God...its been a really long and continuous conversation between me and Him! Either He is wonderful company or that is just how afraid I have been...

This is how I first learned of our Lord, from my courageous sister that gave her childhood to be a mother to me.

[dgbygrace]

Dearest sister Cizz...may I call you that?!

What an amazing testimony. How very strong you are to bare your inner self so honestly.

I thank you for this, and I thank the Dear Lord for bringing you to where you are.

My greatest prayers, as weak as they are, are with and for you.

Thank you for the sonshine you add to the world!!

Beauty in vulnerability

[cizz]

dgbygrace, on 22 March 2010 - 09:48 PM, said:

Dearest sister Cizz...may I call you that?!

What an amazing testimony. How very strong you are to bare your inner self so honestly.

I thank you for this, and I thank the Dear Lord for bringing you to where you are.

My greatest prayers, as weak as they are, are with and for you.

Thank you for the sonshine you add to the world!!

Beauty in vulnerability

God love you sister! and so do I...Its a blessing that you would call me sister, thank you It is a precious title that speaks from the heart to the heart...


I don't have anything to share but my heart and this long conversation I have with God... The Lord has truely brought me to this garden...


The first twenty years of this journey I knew God on a 'person to un-seen person' bases. I talked to God all the time just like having another person there with me. He was more real than people were to me, this was someone that took baths with me and even went to the bathroom with me! He was there while I brushed my teeth, we did everything together and I was always talking to Him. It was like when kids have imaginary friends, mine was God and when someone would ask who I was talking to I'd say GOD! they weren't about to tell me that this friend wasn't real! I did stop talking out loud to Him when I was around nine!

Anytime someone would mention what the Lord says or what the bible says, my ears would perk up and I would listen. I remember getting out the family bible (that we weren't suppose to touch) and trying to read the words, but that was useless, I'd tell God I wasn't smart enough to read those big words, but the pictures were cool! Mom had this one picture of Jesus that hung in the living room, I did not associate God with that picture, it freaked me out! the eyes would follow you! I would walk from one side of the room to the other watching it watch me, that's just wrong...I was already afraid of enough stuff!

I don't mind sharing with you that I was labeled as a 'slow learner' in school, when I was in 8th grade, I read on a 3rd grade level. The very first 'special ed' class that was tested in our county back in the 70's, I was number 1 on the list. I still can't read out loud and understand what I read. So, it was in my late twenties before I read the bible for the first time.

[cizz]

I tell you, the Lord has truely used many courageous sisters to help me along...

By my mid twenties, I found myself homeless after a nine year marriage. I had the clothes on my back and a borrowed car to get me to my sister's house. Her husband allowed me 2 weeks to stay with them. What's 2 weeks for God! within 2 weeks I had a small car and a borrowed house with borrowed clothes...my courageous Aunt stepped up and made a way for me. My grandmother had been bedridden, my aunt took Granny to live with her some months before, so Granny's house was setting empty and all her clothes were there. I say my aunt is courageous, because of the stigma that goes with leaving not only my husband, but my children also...no one wanted to help me and it didn't look too good for anyone that did...but my aunt went against her brothers and made away for me, I lived there rent free for two years, just paid the utilities. I also had a job too, thanks to my courageous sister, again!

I've only shared what happened in my first marriage with sister Betty. Bless her for not judging me and for having a courageous heart to just listen when I needed that the most...

Here is what I shared with her...

Quote

I loved or thought I loved my first husband and it hurt so bad, everyday, every minute for nine years...I would do anything and everything, down to letting him beat me and humilate me in front other people and also in front of our children. I would tell him everyday in words, "I love you"...still he could or would not believe me...when my mind snapped from this pressure, what I thought I felt for him turned into hatred and I wasn't going to just leave...I told him my new assignment was to take him to hell with me and my reward, I would get to watch him sweat! Before I pulled the trigger on the shot gun...something said stop! and I saw his fear, he was already sweating...We were already there, 'in the bowels of hell'. My husband once told me that I would be crawling on my hands and knees to get away from him...I did! when you're hell or fire, drop to your knees, so you can see under the smoke and heat, then crawl! I did not hate him when I left either, I prayed for him too. I wasn't even mad, I was too busy praying and crawling.

I look back now and I'm stocked at that path and how I am still here? and I shake my head in wordering why? why am I still here?

[dgbygrace]

cizz, on 22 March 2010 - 11:15 PM, said:

You Bless her for not judging me and for having a courageous heart to just listen when I needed that the most...

A courageous heart...funny that you mention that. That is what you have...it is also one of the kindest ones I have come across in my 45 years of life. I haven't always counted those years as a blessing...He has made much progress with me and you are always counted in that blessing catageory.

NO ONE has the right to judge you. Jesus said so. That is enough for me.

I don't know if you know it or not but what you have let God walk with you through, and how you have let God craft you in that...makes you a pretty special person.

You somehow haven't gotten stuck in anger, self pity, justification, or bitterness. THAT speaks to God's power.

I am very thankful for you. No big reaction needed. Just thankful because you aren't judgemental to others. Thank you, thank you JESUS!, for some who are not. Thank you Lord for forgiving me that too often one of those judgemental people is me.

[crownsevenalphabet]

cizz, on 23 March 2010 - 12:15 AM, said:

I tell you, the Lord has truely used many courageous sisters to help me along...

By my mid twenties, I found myself homeless after a nine year marriage. I had the clothes on my back and a borrowed car to get me to my sister's house. Her husband allowed me 2 weeks to stay with them. What's 2 weeks for God! within 2 weeks I had a small car and a borrowed house with borrowed clothes...my courageous Aunt stepped up and made a way for me. My grandmother had been bedridden, my aunt took Granny to live with her some months before, so Granny's house was setting empty and all her clothes were there. I say my aunt is courageous, because of the stigma that goes with leaving not only my husband, but my children also...no one wanted to help me and it didn't look too good for anyone that did...but my aunt went against her brothers and made away for me, I lived there rent free for two years, just paid the utilities. I also had a job too, thanks to my courageous sister, again!

I've only shared what happened in my first marriage with sister Betty. Bless her for not judging me and for having a courageous heart to just listen when I needed that the most...

Here is what I shared with her...

Well,

My my sister, what salve for my sore crying eyes.

The Holy Ghost anointing is dripping all over this topic, what a spiritual feast, what
a full belly, what a sweet flavor to digest.

- - -

And I ask the Lord to show me a scripture, a special word for you.

Isaiah, 13:14-22, . . . like sheep without a shepherd. (this is the 1st section of
your life)

Isaiah, 14:1-8, . . . On the day the Lord gives you relief from suffering and
turmoil and cruel bondage . . . How the oppressor has come to an end !


And chapter 14 is your present 2010, understanding of the testing, the trials,
the tribulations, . . . you have overcome, Amen !

I love you, you are a great inspiration, I hope to witness all your bounty of
grace, all the days of your life, I hope to learn from you, I pray to hold
dear, what you hold dear.

I feel a bond like unto Naomi and Ruth, . . . when reading your outpouring of
the Holy Ghost.

Praise His Holy Name (IHVH)