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The one thing that always beset me during my teenage years, and later, was a fear of death. The thought of not existing anymore made me break out in cold sweats and have anxiety attacks, just like the Bible says that the enemy torments people with fear of death and holds them in bondage. That was me. But God used that torment to keep me going and searching.
I've always been spiritually sensitive (which now, as an intercessor, comes in handy) and I would get the sense of a presence being there, and it would make me afraid, because I did not know God nor that I could have authority over the enemy. I was one of those "much afraid" people the Bible talks about. Fear used to run my life, in every way. But God used that, too.
I was searching for relief, anywhere, and have always been a spiritual seeker. I would research things like Buddhism, and Edgar Cayce, Erik van Daniken, New Age, and so forth. Nothing ever gripped me. And looking back, that's a good thing. Because even being stuck in religion in Germany, my Grandmother had a solid faith in God, and I know that she would pray for me. It's always the praying grandmas, isn't it?
Anyway, after I moved to the States, a couple from a local church would stop by once in a while and we'd have discussions about God and they would invite me to church. I did actually go at one point but never went back. I know they prayed for me, too.
Then I befriended a Jehovah's Witness, and what they presented sounded interesting to me, so I invited them over to talk further. However, the morning they came to my house and knocked on the door, something made me run into my bedroom and hide and not answer the door. At the time I didn't understand why I was hiding, now I do.
A few months later, I was working at a hotel with a woman who would also talk about God. She struck my interest because of the things she had to say, and because she never seemed to be fazed about anything. I know now that she was also praying for my salvation.
She gave me a book called "I Saw Heaven" by Roberts Liardon. You can say what you want, but this man and his ministry are the catalyst that God used to save me. The more I read about Heaven, the more my fears went away, and the more I longed to go there, because it became real to me, for the first time.
At the end of that book was a sinner's prayer. So I sat down and prayed it.
There was an immediate change, I knew someting was different, and that Jesus heard me, and saved me. It was real.
I immediately called the lady who gave me the book, and she asked if I prayed the prayer at the end, and I told her what happened, and she began to mentor me. I went to church with her, and was prayed for to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and my journey with God has been onwards and upwards since that night I was saved. I learned about demons and spiritual warfare and grew and grew, and became involved in our children's ministry and other things. That was in 1992. I also called the above-mentioned church couple to thank them for praying for me and for not giving up, and told them of my salvation, and there was much rejoicing.
A few years after I was saved, in 1997, God started dealing with me about authority and total surrender and dying to self and embracing the cross and the power of true repentance. He showed me my highest calling and the price there was to be payed, and after some deliberating, I completely surrendered and gave up all rights to myself and my life, and became a bondslave of Jesus. I now enjoy the relationship with God I used to only dream about, and there is nothing in the universe that would ever make me go back. There is nothing to go back to, once you have tasted that kind of life in Christ. I have lost everything, to gain Him. And He is all I need. I am so completely in love with Him, there are no words to begin to describe it.
I'm also happy to report that fear no longer runs my life. Because Jesus moved in with His perfect love, and perfect love casts out all fear. I am safe in His arms and my feet are on solid ground. Praise be to God!
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